


i'm not lovin' you, the way I wanted to

by stupidstuckonstucky



Category: One Direction
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst with a Happy Ending, Fluff and Angst, I am actually physically incapable of writing them, Insecure Liam, M/M, Pining Liam, because I suck at writing unhappy endings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-04-19
Updated: 2014-04-19
Packaged: 2018-01-20 00:07:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,000
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1489405
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/stupidstuckonstucky/pseuds/stupidstuckonstucky
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Zayn is not moody or mysterious or a 'bad boy'.</p><p>Zayn is gentle touches and silly giggles and wonder filled eyes.</p><p>Zayn is the glittering of stars at night and the bright rays of the morning sun.</p><p>Zayn is light.</p><p>And Liam doesn’t know how to love him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	i'm not lovin' you, the way I wanted to

**Author's Note:**

> disclaimer: i do not own one direction nor claim that any of this is true. title and lyrics taken from kanye's love lockdown.
> 
> and thank you to apoorva @ my-own-potterworld and liamcpayne on tumblr for reading it and encouraging me to post it. i honestly can't thank you guys enough.

_I'm not lovin' you the way I wanted to_  
 _What I had to do, had to run from you_  
 _I'm in love with you but the vibe is wrong_  
 _And that haunted me all the way home_

“I’m really sorry Zayn.”

“Course you are.”

“Zayn –,”

“No. _No_. Just take your things and get the fuck out of my life.”

**

Liam groans as his alarm goes off, that stupid song about fox saying things echoing off the walls of his room and Christ, he’s going to get a headache before the day even starts. He switches it off, reaches for Zayn so he can bury his face in the warmth of his neck. His hands come into contact with cold sheets and Liam frowns because Zayn never wakes up first. And right now, Liam’s cold and he just wants to snuggle with his boyf -

His eyes snap open.

Oh right.

Zayn’s not there because Liam left.

Because Liam left Zayn.

He thought he was meant to feel better, to feel free and liberated or whatever the fuck his mum’s self help book had said. He doesn’t. Instead he feels like his entire world has crumbled into nothingness around him and now Liam’s just messing about in the dust.

He’s never reading that thing ever again.

As much as he wants to though, he can’t go back to Zayn. He just can’t. He has to do this for himself, for Zayn.

For them.

**

_I'm not lovin' you the way I wanted to_  
 _See I wanna move but can't escape from you_  
 _So I keep it low, keep a secret code_  
 _So everybody else don't have to know_

“Leemo!”

Liam jumps, almost dropping the carton of eggs in his hands. A loud cackle reaches his ears and it’s so distinct it can only belong to one person. “Nialler!”

“Hey! How you been? I haven’t seen you since,” Niall’s smile falters a little, “Since um, you and Zayn broke up and all.”

He shrugs, lowering the eggs slowly into his basket. “I’ve been alright. Nothing much has changed really. What about you guys, how’s Harry?”

Niall’s grin returns, bright and beaming the way it always is when Harry is brought up. “He’s doing great! He’s been busy with his project, y’know, the one for his class exhibition next month. You’re still coming to that yeah?”

Liam swallows the lump in his throat. Zayn’s going to be there, he knows it. Zayn wouldn’t miss this for the world, wouldn’t miss anything that was important to his friends because that’s the kind of person Zayn is. “Um, I’m not sure actually. Might have to go home to see the family, my mum’s been asking when I’m coming down for a visit so. I’ll – I’ll let you or Haz know yeah?”

Niall nods. Liam sees the understanding in his eyes and he thanks the gods that Niall doesn’t call him out on it. “Sure. You still have our numbers right? Just give us a text or whatever, let us know if you’re coming eh?”

“I’ll try my best.” They both know he won’t go but they pretend.

Niall waves goodbye and rushes off home to Harry for their weekly home-cooked dinner date, and Liam can’t help but wonder where Zayn goes to now that he doesn’t crash at Liam’s on Thursdays.

(He blocks out the thoughts of Zayn in another guy’s bed.)

**

Zayn is not moody or mysterious or a bad boy.

Zayn is gentle touches and silly giggles and wonder filled eyes.

Zayn is the glittering of stars at night and the bright rays of the morning sun.

Zayn is light.

And Liam doesn’t know how to love him.

**

"I saw Zayn today."

Liam tenses. 3 months later and his name still hits Liam like a blow to the chest. "Yeah?"

Louis sits on the other end of the couch, legs propped up on the coffee table with Liam's abandoned mug of tea in his hands. "Yeah. He came by the store, just to like, pick up a couple of new albums and things."

Louis's eyeing Liam, like he's trying to figure out if he should tell Liam the next bit of information that Liam knows is at the tip of his tongue.

"He was with a guy,” Liam to his credit, maintains a blank face, “The guy - Gavin, he's pretty cool. He's kind of a lot like Zayn actually."

Liam bites the inside of his cheek. He doesn't really know what to say to that, torn between wanting to know more and wanting to gather all of Louis' words and shoving it back down his throat. But there's more, he can sense it.

Liam waits.

"He looks… happy."

Oh. Well then.

He knows he doesn’t have the right to be as bothered as he is considering he’s the one that left in the first place. It's been 3 months, that's long enough for someone to get over a breakup. And besides, this is Zayn he’s talking about. Did he really think it would take that long before someone was going to snatch Zayn up?

Zayn's happy and Liam -

Liam wants Zayn to be happy. Liam only wants Zayn to be happy.

(But a small part of him is still bitter that Zayn's moved on when Liam’s still haunted by the look on Zayn’s face when Liam said he was leaving)

**

_I'm not lovin' you the way I wanted to_  
 _I can't keep my cool, so I keep it true_  
 _I' got somethin' to lose, so I gotta move_  
 _I can't keep myself and still keep you too_

Liam is certain that when God created Zayn, he cried tears of joy because he knew that he had created the perfect human being.

Zayn was just the kind of beautiful that seemed almost unreal and Liam knew that other people thought so too.

He sees the eyes that follow them when they walk down the street, sees the too sweet smiles and hears the interest in the voices of those that speak to Zayn.

Liam's not jealous. He's not.

Liam is afraid.

He's afraid because Zayn can have any person he wants and Zayn chose plain, boring Liam. It's only a matter of time before Zayn will want someone new, someone who is beautiful just like him.

(But not as beautiful as Zayn. Never as beautiful as Zayn)

And Liam is not beautiful.

**

He sees Zayn and his new boyfriend walking his way one day and he panics so Liam does what he does best when he's afraid.

He runs.

**

Zayn thinks he sees the back of a familiar green plaid but Gavin’s pointing out a monstrous cake in the bakery window and the thought is lost.

He doesn't realize until later that it looks like something he got for Liam once.

**

_I'm not lovin' you the way I wanted to_  
 _See I had to go, see I had to move  
 _No more wastin' time, you can't wait for life_  
 _We're just racin' time, where's the finish line?__

“Hi.”

"Liam?"

"Um yeah.”

“What are you doing here?”

To be perfectly honest, Liam doesn't know. One moment he was just running, but then he saw Zayn in the window and the next thing he knew, he was pushing the door of the coffee shop open.

His eyes drink in the sight of Zayn. He looks so cuddly in his sweatpants and too-big hoodie, hair all soft from the absence of product, and glasses almost falling off his nose. Liam’s arms ache with want.

"I think -," he says, "I think I'm ready to let you go."

Zayn's eyes widen and he looks panicked almost, gaping at Liam as he struggles to find words.

(In a different situation Liam would have found this amusing, maybe even be a little proud because Zayn always has words for everything and Liam’s made him speechless.

But not in this situation though.)

Liam nods, "Yeah. I think I'm ready now."

Liam goes home.

**

There is someone at the door and whoever it is, is fucking relentless, the pounding only getting louder and louder with every passing second.

Liam drags himself out of bed, muttering curses under his breath as he stomps out to the front door. He swears that he’s going to hit whoever the fuck is at the door because what kind of inconsiderate fuck does this at 3 in the morning on a weekday?

He swings open the door, ready to glare at the asshole and cuss him out and -

"What if I don't want you to let me go?"

It's 3 in the morning and Zayn is here, at his front door.

His hair is disheveled and he smells like he smoked an entire pack of cigarettes on his way over but my God he's still as beautiful as ever.

" _What_?"

Zayn folds his arms, chin lifted like a defiant child. "What if I don't want you to let me go?"

"Zayn," Liam's tired. He has an 8 o'clock class in the morning and he's just spent the whole night studying for his History quiz in the afternoon, he doesn't have the energy to deal with a cryptic Zayn. "What are you talking about?"

Zayn twists his hands in the front of Liam's shirt and yanks him forward, "I don't -," he chokes, "I don't want you to get over me Liam. _Please_."

Zayn looks so broken and Liam _hates_ himself for putting that look on Zayn’s face. He lifts a hand to cup Zayn's face, thumb gently brushing his cheek. "Zayn, you have a boyfriend now yeah? A better boyfriend. You don't want me."

Zayn turns his face, nuzzling Liam’s hand. "'S not my boyfriend," he mumbles and the warmth of his breath tickles Liam's palm. "We dated for a few weeks but that’s it. It wasn’t working, never really did.”

“Oh.” But Louis said they looked happy.

Zayn pulls back to look at him, all shy smiles and soft eyes as he regards Liam with nothing but fondness on his face. “He wasn’t you yeah?"

"But -,” Liam’s genuinely confused. Why would Zayn want Liam? “But I'm just me, Zayn.”

Zayn’s smile disappears. “No.”

“But Zayn -,”

“ _No_. Don’t - don’t do that," Zayn snaps, "You’re not _just_ anything do you hear me?”

Liam nods dumbly, startled. He doesn't think he's ever seen Zayn this aggressive before. Zayn looks like he might start growling and baring teeth.

Zayn sighs, closing his eyes as he rests his forehead against Liam’s. "You're Liam. _My_ Liam yeah?"

And the _way_ Zayn says it makes Liam's chest tighten and his eyes prickle with tears because Zayn says his name like Liam is something that deserves to be treasured. Like Liam is precious and important and -

 _Enough_.

Liam wraps his arms around Zayn, holds him close, and just cries. Cries loud, ugly sobs into Zayn’s shoulder and he doesn’t care that they’re out in the hallway, and that anyone who comes up can see them. He doesn’t care because Zayn is here and he loves Liam.

Zayn loves Liam.

Zayn threads his fingers in Liam’s hair, other hand rubbing soothing circles on his back. “Don’t leave me again yeah? Please just -.”

Liam shakes his head furiously. Never, he’s never leaving Zayn again.

“I love you Zayn, I love you so much – fuck. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.”

“Hey, Liam, _Leeyum_.”

Zayn lifts his chin and leans in, pressing their lips together and oh, his lips are just as soft and wonderful as Liam remembers.

“It’s done yeah? It’s over. This," he says, fingers absent mindedly caressing Liam's jaw, "This is what’s important now okay?”

Zayn kisses the tip of his nose, eyes sparkling in a way that’s so terribly cliché, Liam can’t help but smile.

“Now come on,” he says, waggling his eyebrows suggestively as he pushes Liam back into the house, “We’ve got loads of catching up to do yeah?"

Liam laughs all the way to his room.

_I'm ~~not~~ lovin' you the way I wanted to_

**Author's Note:**

> what even was that ending. i apologize if it disappointed you. nevertheless, i hope you guys enjoyed it and please, do let me know why or why not. thanks for reading!


End file.
